How To Lose A Girl in Six Weeks or Less…an ode to my dating challenged guys.

Okay. So, lets be honest. I’m no dating guru. In fact, it’s been a really long time since I have had a successful relationship (not counting my facebook marriage which is working out wonderfully). However, I have spent lots of time dating many different types of guys – and understanding (through trial and error) what kind of guy might be the best fit for me. I’ve decided he probably lives in China. And since I have no current plans for a trip there, my love life may not have a fairy tale ending.

Now, I realize that I am not like every other girl out there. I am strong willed. I have an incredible social life. I have been supporting myself for a very long time. I have a lot of personality. You will know what I think. Always. I have a demanding job(s). Some have told me that I come off as “intimidating” – I get it. However, if I intimidate you, then what does that say about you?

Here’s the thing. I know that strong personality people tend to attract the opposite. No can do. I want a guy that knows what he stands for. That is going to call me out on some of my antics – because, lets face it – I actually do NOT want to be right all of the time. (Yes, Mom, I said it.)

So guys, I’ve decided to lend you my perspective for your dating endeavors. Some may be helpful, some maybe not so much. This is all just coming from my experience. And, clearly, I’m still single – so take that as you will.

Just do me a favor: if you happen to come across a nice man, with lots of personality, and all his teeth – do a girl a favor and send him my way, will ya?!

How to Lose a Girl:
1. Talk only about yourself. All the time.
2. Actually let the girl pay.
3. Never say what you think. Even if it might start a debate.
4. Let the girl walk all over you.
5. Assume the girl has the exact same feelings you do about the relationship and where it’s headed.
6. Only text.
7. Never make plans for the two of you.
8. Introduce her to your family within the first month.
9. Tell her about all of your bad dating/fighting/drinking stories on the second date.
10. Don’t ever follow up. Always let her be the one to get in touch with you.

And…my favorite…share your sexual (or lack thereof) history. Seriously, people. NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW THIS!!! Unless you have some kind of STI, keep it to yourself.

Here’s another little ditty I found for you to read, too. Do women a favor. Read it.

She’s just not that into you — or is she?

The Idiot Oblivion…WTF?!

Okay, I know I’m not the only one who has been dealing with this lately.  What is the deal with people these days?  Is everyone so completely oblivious to their surroundings that common courtesy has just totally gone out the window with my college smoking habit?!

God.  I mean, I think I have patience.  But, I have just totally reached my breaking point lately.  Could it be the negative 20 degree weather and lack of sunshine?  Perhaps.  But I am pretty sure it just has to do with being surrounded by idiots.  Don’t get me wrong – I am no angel here.  Sometimes I say things without thinking.  Sometimes, I am guilty of changing lanes on a highway and accidentally cutting someone off.  But honestly, if I am going to blatantly walk in front of someone…well, I just don’t do it.  Nor do I walk in a goup of 10 through the skyway and block all traffic – both ways. 

Don’t even get me started on the cell-phone-talkers-while-driving.  Seriously, people…I have driven past three (yes, three) cars on the highway this week who were driving without their headlights on…in the DEAD of night.  Why?  Because they were too busy catching up on The Hills gossip so they could get caught up on the way home to watch the latest episode.  I mean, WTF?!  I even tried to be courteous and pulled up next to them to get them to realize their idoicy.  No dice.  And some of you get mad at me for not answering my cell phone.  Now you know why!

And then there is grocery shopping at Kowalski’s.  And SuperTarget.  I can not handle either of these locations (even though you can still find me there…) because for some reason, the idiots who created these stores made sure that the aisles only allow one cart to fit.  So, I often find myself jimmied between two carts starting at wheat bread when I really just need to head back to produce.  But I’m at the mercy of the Oblivions who do not realize (nor care to) that they are the reason I am unable to continue on my way.  Even when I excuse myself….nothing.  People!  Honestly!  Now, I finally understand what made postmen go postal.  GET A CLUE!

It’s time to realize that no one is better than anyone else.  No one deserves anything more than anyone else.  And no one is going to get there (where ever) any faster than anyone else.  So quit trying.  And maybe just pay a little more attention to your surroundings and the people within.

Okay.  Before I totally lose it, Mama is going to go pour herself a nice whiskey.  Calms the nerves. 

Moral of the story:  For the love of God.  Just pay attention.

 

Here’s a little ditty I found for you courtesy of Mike Straka of www.foxnews.com.  I can’t believe I actuallyripped something from FoxNews…I guess Hell can freeze over.  This piece provides you a little more insight into the “Oblivion” phenomena….enjoy.

Oblivion (oh-bliv-eon): A person who is so oblivious to his or her surroundings that they abandon all common courtesy and commit daily acts of rudeness. Oblivions are oblivious to the very fact that they are Oblivions, which makes it difficult for an Oblivion to ever see the error in his or her ways.

For example: A line of courteous people will form at the Starbucks coffee counter, with each person ordering in their turn. An Oblivion usually stands to the side of the line, staring so intently at the Frappuccino menu that when a clerk asks who’s next, they are awakened out of their Oblivion trance and will yell out their order, cutting the line as if there weren’t a line at all. They’re also parked in a no-parking or handicapped zone.

Another example is the movie theater Oblivion, who arrives to a packed theater with an Oblivion friend, after the movie begins. Together they will search for seats and eventually spot two separate, empty seats in the same row. They will then proceed to ask the people who bothered to show up early so they could choose the seats they wanted (non-Oblivions) and ask everybody in the row to scoot down a seat so they can sit together (most times people will accommodate the Oblivion, just to save the Grrr!).

Obliviot : A person whose Oblivionism is dangerous to others. Will stop short in the middle of a busy sidewalk to answer a cell phone, try to board an “up” elevator before it empties, and swings a lit cigarette indiscriminately as they walk. Also known to make abrupt, complete stops at yield signs and are chronic rubber-neckers.

Left Lane Vigilante : An automobile driver who believes so strongly in speed limit highway laws that he or she will drive 55 miles per hour in the passing lane, forcing people to either adhere to the speed limit or to pass on the right. Left Lane Vigilantes never use their rear view mirror, so tailgate intimidation or flashing the high beams is of no use. These are people committed to keeping you from getting a speeding ticket, and they will do whatever they have to to keep you behind them.

Self-Righteon : A person who is always right, and has to let every one know it. Favorite phrase: “I told you.”

Self-Righteons will cross in front of a moving bus because they have the right of way, will rudely demand another steak because they ordered theirs well done and it came out a little pink in the middle, and usually huff and puff at the retail counter when an underpaid clerk makes an honest mistake (yes, you should get your steak how you ordered it, but for crying out loud, it’s not the end of the world).

Self-Righteons, when driving, are Left Lane Vigilantes. Also known to speed up their vehicle when another driver makes a suspect move, just to show how close they came to an accident (if they didn’t speed up, however, it wouldn’t have been close at all). They also refuse to let anyone merge in front of them.

ImporTants : Sooo important that they can’t sit through a restaurant meal without loudly talking business on the cell phone or believe that if they quit their job their employer’s business would go down in flames. Note to doctors, police officers and emergency medical technicians who fit into this category: While your job is very important, there are millions more of you who don’t feel the need to let everyone know that what they do is sooo important. Celebrity staffs, including public relations people (see Lizzie Grubman), are usually ImporTants.

WalMartians : These are grocery store Oblivions, who wait until their entire cart is rung up before whipping out the checkbook. These are the folks whose families span across entire shopping aisles, debating the pros and cons of all-in-one shampoo and conditioner, or who stop to chat with their next-door neighbors to catch up on the last five years.

Polignorants : People who know nothing about politics yet nod profusely and agree with the loudest (and oftentimes fattest) people in the room ? like Michael Moore or Rush Limbaugh.

You know you are a celebrity when…

…Britney Spears is following YOU on Twitter.

I don’t want to brag…but…

mmmhmmm...that's right, people.

People with Issues.

I can’t remember what  it was that I was watching the day I discovered “Reborns.”  Wait…I got it.  The Today Show.  Not a morning goes by without Matt, Meredith, Al and Anne (and a little crazy pants Willard).  I digress. 

Anyway, I remember being so COMPLETELY enthralled with this segment that to this day, it still haunts me. I mean, we all know that I have my own baby issues. For one, every single baby I know has stolen at least one friend from me, so I think I am authorized to feel a little slighted by them as “a people.” And the crying? Seriously. Babies have nothing to cry about. So you dirtied your diaper. We’ve all BEEN there. (ahem…last weekend?) Plus, if you can’t tell me why you are crying, I cannot help you. But the crying…I mean, babies! You still have good credit. YOU have everyone waiting on you hand and foot! And, for real…most of you are also STD free. Buck up, babes. Talk to me when you are 31, single, living in a 650 sq ft apartment with your overly hairy cat Zsa Zsa still eating ramen noodles for dinner.

But back to this “Reborn” phenomenon. Believe it or not, these things are incredibly lifelike baby dolls that sell for up to $4,000 to adult women who collect them, change their clothes, and in some ways treat them like real babies. I’m in no place to judge, but I will. What the?!  BBC America did a documentary on this subject and you can see some exerpts in the video below.  Ironically, the piece is titled, “My Fake Baby.”  Genius. 

It looks like a real baby...but it's just a doll!

Here’s the kicker: 

The vinyl dolls don’t just look exactly like real babies – they also feel real.  Their bodies are stuffed and weighted to have the same heft and a similar feel to a live baby.  Again, WTF?!  Mohair is normally used for the hair and is rooted in the head strand by strand, a process that can take up to 30 hours.  This is the CREEPIEST part – some even have magnets placed inside the mouth to hold a magnetic pacifier – OR – some purchasers opt for a heartbeat and a device that makes the chest rise and fall to simulate breathing….cue twilight zone music.

I don’t even know how to react to these little fake beasts and the women that love them.  What if I showed up at my parents house only to find out that my mom turned my old bedroom into a nursery for a freaking doll?!

 

Facebook. Friend or Foe?

So, here I am.  It’s Monday night and I’m on my couch, laptop in my lap, tv on and sucking my time away on Facebook.  What is the deal with my obsession to know who is friends with who and who is going to what and who posted what pictures and what everyone is doing right at this very moment?! 

Yet, I feel obligated to give all of my Facebook friends minute by minute updates on what I am doing.  Right. NOW! <see my facebook page>  I mean, do people like, really care?!  Sometimes I even get comments on my status update which gives me a warm fuzzy knowing that people really DO care about what I’m doing. Right. NOW! <see my Facebook page, now!>

Seriously, though, my mom is on Facebook.  She is 58.  Of course, most of her Facebook friends are also my Facebook friends.  So, sometimes I get a call (at work) that sounds like this:

Mom: So, I saw what you wrote on Sarah’s Facebook page.

Me: Yeah.

Mom:  What did it mean?

Me: Mom, stop Facebook stalking me.

Or, here’s another scenario:

Mom:  So, I see you are Facebook friends with (insert name).

Me:  Yeah.

Mom:  Well, I don’t think you should be Facebook friends with (insert name). 

Me:  Thanks, Mom…I’m 31.

And something like that.  Just the other week, my late 80-something year old Grandfather joined Facebook.  He lives in an assisted living home.  And FACEBOOKS.  Amazing.  I read somewhere that the fastest growing population on Facebook is the 50+ crowd.  Welcome to 2009!

But, to reminisce about the past…remember the days when you had anonymity?  Remember when you couldn’t constantly be reached via phone, text, email, etc?  What is that like?  About a week ago, I left my smart phone at the office when I had an afternoon of meetings off site.  I was lost without it.  I mean, without that little piece of magic I had no watch, no internet, no email, no texts, no Google maps, no twitter, AND for the love of GOD…no Facebook.  It was like I was Linus without my blanket.  Cold sweats ensued.

Moral of the story:  Always be connected to everyone, all of the time. There are no payphones in Oz, Dorothy.

With that, a little humor…